How to be happy (this is why you are not)

Happiness is not a function of finding your passion, doing what you love, or being yourself. Until now, these throwaway phrases have been all most people could follow in the pursuit of happiness. I’ve been let down by this hollow advice in the past. And I know I’m not alone.

Every month 30,000+ Americans Google “how to be happy”. Happiness does not just escape the depressed, but also the content, the self-motivated, and even some self-proclaimed happy people.

The answer we’re looking for is simple. For the last three years I’ve lived out the single best actionable plan to become happy. As a result I’ve experienced at times the purest form of happiness.

Following the actionable plan I will detail in this article you can be happy where you are now, with only the resources you have now, without quitting your job, moving across the country, or going broke.

In 2016 I was working as an engineer for a large corporation. I was content enough with my life. I was surrounded with good friends, I had a good job, a nice apartment, and a nice car.

But even though I walked to work every day, I wanted a new truck.

I knew I could get $10,000 from selling my car. But in the process I began to take a closer look at my life. If I worked hard, I got paid the same. If I was lazy, I got paid the same. And if I called in sick, I got paid the same.

At the time I was 25, and as many twenty-somethings are inclined to do, I questioned the purpose of my accustomed life. Each year unfolded predictably like the last.

Instead of buying that new truck, I sold my car, emptied my 401k, took on credit card debt and hiked the Pacific Crest Trail from the U.S. border of Mexico to the U.S. border of Canada.

During that 6 month walk I reflected on the actions that had made me happiest in life. And I came to a conclusion.

Now over 3 years removed from that fateful decision I’ve experienced highs and lows from life. I haven’t worked as an engineer since that time. I’ve taken on a few unrelated jobs in pursuit of a goal of my choosing. Living paycheck to paycheck gives me the most grief. And since I’ve discovered the secret to happiness, I’ve even been depressed at times.

Through this all though I can confidently conclude, as many others have before me, that happiness is the harmony of your own thoughts, words, and actions.

What I am going to teach here is not a recital of a Gandhi quote, but instead lived in advice to mechanically take anyone from where they are now, to where they want to be (happy).

Before we start, you must be at least be open to this definition of happiness (the harmony of thoughts, words, and actions).

Although there are quite a few other definitions of happiness, such as “enjoying or characterized by well-being and contentment”, I am confident that through the prescribed action, those that act will acknowledge only one.

Many people have their words and actions commonly aligned, but not in conjunction with their thoughts. Others use words that pair with their thoughts but act in the contrary.

Harmony of the three is challenging, infrequent, and always fleeting.

This is the ephemeral state of even the purest happiness.

Happiness is boundless in the sense that it can follow any thought, word, or action. But as internal and external forces shift our thoughts, words, and actions, the harmony is lost.

There in lies the pursuit of Happiness that follows life, and liberty.

More people than ever are free to choose words and actions that will align with their own thoughts. Perhaps for no other reason than fundamentally bad advice, most do not.

Do what you love.

Find your passion.

Be yourself.

This is undefined, insufficiently vague, flat out bad advice.

Following this advice without a truckload of good fortune and dumb luck, leads to depression, not happiness.

The sensation of happiness is not a feature of a “just right for you” activity, but instead the absence of the pain of misaligned thoughts, words, and actions.

Your body knows when you’re tired. Your body knows when you’re sick. Your body knows when you’re cold. Trust that your same body knows when your thoughts, words, and actions are misaligned.

We trick our bodies all the time, with caffeine, medicine, blankets, and consumer goods to numb us into contentment.

I say this only to illustrate my point about the masking the pain of misalignment, not to boycott items I use regularly.

By this point I hope you’re asking how do I get started?

First, you must to choose a thought to pursue with your words and actions.

How do you get started if you don’t know what you want to do?

After all how can you align your words and actions if you can’t even commit to your own thoughts.

The answer is simple.

Pursue interests as quantifiable goals.

Interests, as I define them, are simply the preferred choice when presented with multiple choices. The choices themselves are not relevant, only the preference.

For example if I gave you the following options:

• Make a stained glass window
• Perform a song in front of a stranger
• Run a marathon

You may prefer a different choice of the three than my own. And ours may be different than another’s.

The choices do not matter, only the preference.

The choices and preference though must be quantifiable. This is a necessary condition for a specific reason.

If a goal is not quantifiable, it’s not complete-able. And if it’s not complete-able, no progress can be made. Action without progress leads to frustration and abandonment of the goal all together.

Commonly people will champion resolutions such as becoming stronger, richer, kinder, having more friends, or helping others. None of these are quantifiable goals, though all could be made quantifiable.

Quantifiable goals are infinite, though defined.

Examples include:

• Perform a comedy routine at an open-mic night in town
• Paint a mural on the side of a building
• Sell a car in a language not native to you

The choices are endless. If you can’t create your own choices to choose from (which you can, you’re just being difficult) ask a friend or family member for recommendations. If even then you can’t come up with choices to choose from email me at manny@notwaitingtolive.com and I will give you choices to choose from. Because you will not like the choices equally, simply pursue the preference.

What happens though if you complete a quantifiable interest and still aren’t happy?

First you stop pursuing that interest. Then move on to pursue another interest as a quantifiable goal.

Understand that happiness is a product of the pursuit of a goal, not completion of the goal itself. Nothing special happens when you finish. I’ve ridden a bicycle and walked across the United States. Though the ego might be proud of the accomplishment, completion has no impact on happiness.

Life goes on. Remembering what you accomplished and talking about what you accomplished are not actions. Moving forward, the game remains the same.

This is why your interests must be quantifiable. The point of completion becomes the decision point to either grow that interest into an expanded quantifiable goal or pivot to another preferred choice. All the while, aligning your thoughts, words, and actions.

At no point should anyone be committing resources indefinitely to an undefined goal.  Though this is how most live their life from 9 to 5 and beyond.

Decision points are the opportunity re-calibrate interests with your present life, which is constantly acted upon by internal and external forces.

The interests you choose to pursue for yourself in the beginning may only be a small part or your day, week, or month. Making a stained glass window for example will not require you to quit your day job, or abandon your family.

As the entanglements of your life pull you in different directions, and your thoughts change, what might have started as a preference, might be held in contempt by the moment of completion.

See the interest through to completion as best you can. You are not doing this for anyone but yourself. Adversity will always arise. When you find yourself facing the question, “Why am I doing this?”, your best response will always be, “Because I chose this”. If that answer alone is not enough to overcome what you’re facing, then quit. But always move on to pursue another quantifiable interest.

The magic ingredient in this progression of goals in your pursuit of happiness is a deadline.

Dates drive decisions. Without a deadline, no goal has sufficient context. Actions needed this week are often different than those needed by next month, or next year.

Aggressive deadlines do more good than harm from my view of the world. I’ve seen more people rise to the challenge of a pressing deadline, than I’ve seen people flourish from kicking the can down the road.

As you go through this progression of growing interests and new interests you’ll always be forced to balance whatever responsibilities you’ve accumulated over the years.

Your instant or continued happiness is not guaranteed. How to be happy never changes.

If you’re reading this right now and you’re not happy, the answer is simple. Focus on living is such a way that even the smallest part of your day resonates with the harmony of your own thoughts, words, and actions. Work on increasing the amount of time each day you spend in this alignment.